“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life” – Chris Germer

In last week’s blog post, I explored how our inner critic can cause us so much inner stress and self-sabotage, robbing us of feeling truly happy and being able to reach our full potential.

This week I’d like to share more about the practice of mindful self-compassion, a proven way to reduce the powerful grip of our inner critic and enable us to experience more inner peace and emotional resilience.

HOW SELF-COMPASSION CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

Self-compassion has been the subject of a lot of scientific study in recent years, and the results are very exciting!

Research has shown that developing the skill of self-compassion can result in:

• Less negative mind wandering, rumination on the past and dwelling on problems
• Increased positive mind-wandering, gratitude, connection and self-caring/kind behaviour
• Less anxiety and depression
• Less feelings of fear, shame and inadequacy
• Feeling a sense of inter-connection that buffers against feelings of isolation and loneliness
• Increased compassion and caring towards others and a sense of equality – less comparing self to others or judging
• True self-acceptance – of both our good qualities and flaws
• The ability to face our mistakes and learn from them
• Improved relationships, because we become more accepting of other people too; as well as being less needy or clingy because were better able to meet our own needs
• Easier to forgive both ourselves and others
• Increased positive emotions, happiness & joy!

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION, EXACTLY?

In last’s week’s post in which I discussed our inner critic, I touched on how we evolved this rather negative mental phenomenon as a defense mechanism to ensure our survival and enable us to be “accepted by the tribe”.

Thankfully, we’ve also evolved another brain system unique to mammals, known as the contentment/soothing system. This part of the brain gets activated when we offer caring and compassion either to ourselves or others, and it’s able to literally switch off our stress response through the action of the “love” hormone oxytocin that gets released when this brain-system is activated.

So just as how I explained last week, the brain reacts to self-criticism the same as if someone else was bullying you, likewise, the brain also responds to self-soothing the same as if you had someone else offering you kindness, compassion and support – allowing your body and mind to feel safe and calm.

So what does self-compassion involve, exactly?

Things like:

• Being aware of our own internal process and noticing when we are being harsh or critical with ourselves (but at the same time, not trying to resist or suppress our inner critic, the first step is simply being aware)
• Accepting that we are not perfect, and like every other human, we have flaws, we make mistakes and we experience failure sometimes – this is just part of life
• Letting go of judging and evaluating ourselves, and this whole concept of either being “good” or “bad”
• Accepting that sometimes we are less than what we want to be, and accepting our real self vs our “ideal” self
• Being able to accept all of our feelings without judgment, especially those ones we tend to label as “bad” or “wrong”, such as our anger, hatred, jealousy or resentment; and seeing them rather as pointers to hurts that need compassion and healing
• Having the ability to notice when we’re experiencing a moment of difficulty or suffering, and offering ourselves kindness and support.

WHAT SELF-COMPASSION IS NOT

It’s important to point out that self-compassion is really quite different to the very popular notion of self-esteem. When we try to cultivate self-esteem, essentially we’re trying to find what is special or unique about us, or what we can do better than others so that we can feel good about ourselves.  Whereas, self-compassion is not about seeing how we’re different, but actually how we’re the same as everybody else, recognising our common humanity and how all humans experience suffering and are just trying to do their best with the knowledge, experience and awareness that they have. This normalises what we’re experiencing and enables us to feel a sense of inter-connection, rather than isolation and loneliness.

It’s also not “positive thinking” or looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses. In fact it requires us to be courageous enough to fully acknowledge our pain and suffering, and to appreciate the diversity and fullness of life, both the “good” and the “bad”.

When some people first hear about self-compassion, they worry that it means being too soft with themselves, letting themselves “get away with” anything, such as eating a whole cake, being lazy, or “letting themselves go”.

But self-compassion doesn’t mean you can’t be discerning or self-correcting about your own behaviour or mistakes. Self-compassion is like a loving but wise parent, who understands a child needs certain boundaries for their own well-being, but who sets and reinforces these boundaries with love and non-judgment, rather than shaming or criticism. And like any good parent, sometimes that includes also saying no to ourselves.

BARRIERS TO SELF-COMPASSION

Having a compassionate attitude towards ourselves is not always easy, as it requires us to develop some specific skills.

The first skill we need to develop, is strong self-awareness or mindfulness. Often we can be critical with ourselves without even realising it, but when we’re able to be mindful and develop what’s called the “witness consciousness”, we can extricate ourselves from that automated inner voice, and really see it for what it is, without being completely identified with it.

This witness consciousness is also essential for the next stage of self-compassion, being able to offer kindness and compassion to the parts of ourselves that are suffering. This can be challenging at first, because there is no real self/other boundary. For instance, it can be easy to offer compassion to others as there is a very clear boundary between ourselves (the one offering compassion) and the other (the one suffering who is receiving compassion). Self-compassion requires us to be able to internalise that self/other dynamic so that we are not completely consumed by our suffering, but have an aware part of our minds that is able to witness this pain and offer compassion, as well as a part of ourselves that is really able to open to and “take in” this kindness.

The other potential barrier to self-compassion is what researcher Dr Kristin Neff calls “backdraft”. If you’re someone who didn’t grow up experiencing much warmth or kindness from others, or you are simply not used to being kind to yourslef, when you do start to finally open the door of your heart and let compassion flow in, old pain and fear is likely to bubble up. This can be challenging but rather than give up, it’s important to recognise that this is simply part of the transformational, healing process.

THE 3  CORE COMPONENTS OF SELF-COMPASSION

To really understand what self-compassion is all about it, it can be helpful to remember these 3 core components:

1. Mindfulness

As discussed above, the first aspect to self-compassion is having the ability to see our own pain or suffering in the moment, with clarity and non-judgment – without getting caught up in the mental story-line, or trying to fix or change anything, but simply being able to be with your experience as it is.

   2. Self-kindness

Once we’re aware of our pain, rather than turning away, we move toward. We open our hearts towards ourselves and be with our pain in a very loving, warm, accepting way – think of a patient and loving mother comforting a newborn when she cries.

  3. Common Humanity

While tending to our own suffering, we remember that as humans, we all suffer – we are never alone in our suffering.This ensures that we do not succumb to self-pity and feelings of victim hood or isolation, and instead fulfills our core need to feel that we truly belong and are connected to others.

HOME-PLAY!

In next week’s post, I’m going to share some specific self-compassion practices you can get started with. But in the meantime, it’s important to begin cultivating the skill of mindfulness, and I’d encourage you to set aside 10 minutes a day to practice a simple mindfulness meditation – I have a free guided meditation you can get started with here.

And, I’d love to hear from you! In the comments below, please tell me:

Now that you are aware of what self-compassion is, is it something you are already naturally extending to yourself? If not, how do you normally respond to yourself when you are experiencing difficulty or pain?

And of course, sharing is caring! If you have someone special in your life who would benefit from learning about self-compassion, be sure to pass this post on to them 🙂